Energii, Miami Beach
Despite all evidence to the contrary, I believe I posses all kinds of athletic abilities. I believe I'm a runner, yogi, Kung Fu fighter, and swimmer. There was even a week when I was convinced that I could be a triathlete simply because I read an absurd article about how anyone can complete a triathlon. So it's no surprise that it's Sunday morning and I'm on my way to a Pilates class at Energii on South Beach. The website describes the class as a cross between Cross Fit and Pilates.
I'm about halfway to the beach when my phone rings. It's Lauren (who also seems to posses delusions of athletic grandeur). "Do you have your leather gloves?" she asks.
Panic. 'No?! What?! Did the website mention that?'
I was about to suggest meeting at the beach for a daiquiri instead when I hear her maniacal laughter. 'Thanks, jerk!' Now, I'm terrified.
We get to the studio at the time listed on the website and quickly realize that our classmates are already sliding up and down their Reformers. Fantastic! We're late.
Five minutes in...
I'm sold. I think, "What color Toe Sox should I buy? Is it too soon to invest in a studio tank top? Should I move closer to the beach, so I can attend class more regularly?
Ten minutes in...
My legs are starting to burn, but I'm hoping that the instructor has taken note of my near perfect form. "Why, yes," I'd reply, "I have taken Pilates before. Can you really tell?"
Fifteen minutes in...
Fifteen minutes? Fifteen minutes! Are you frickin' kidding me? I'm starting to lose faith, just when the perfectly coiffed Viking Pilates instructor decides to take it up a notch. As he turns Marilyn Manson's The Beautiful People all the way up, we are coerced to flip up-side-down and push the "box" out with our hands until we are completely parallel to the ground. I'm officially delirious. I know this because I'm giggling for no reason. Nothing about this situation is amusing. As I stretch out again, bringing my face mere inches from the floor, I imagine my hands slipping causing me to dive between the two support beams, all while getting tangled in the resistance coils in some cartoon-like accident.
Next thing I know we're standing on the sliding backrest. This cannot be good. We're being asked to do a series of maneuvers that I'm pretty sure I saw speed skaters doing as part of their Olympic training in the last Olympics. Except, this seems somehow more dangerous. It's quickly becoming a blur of jumping, squatting, and pulling, culminating in what I'm praying is the last and final act of persecution. Thor tells us to put our quivering feet through the hand loops and push our legs out while keeping our heels together and our backs on the sliding backrest. Mentally I'm prepared to bang this out and call it a day. Unfortunately, my legs are no longer on my team. As if possessed, one leg is bending while the other is straightening and neither is following any kind of rhythm or form. They just can't seem to get it together. Well, at least it's the end right?
Nope. Wrong. Time to start springing off the platform again. Oh, but, that's not all. We're to push off the platform and throw our legs in the air before returning to the platform. Every person, including the 12 year-old next to me, managed to perform this seemingly simple move without causing the machine to crash into itself. That is, everyone but Lauren and I. Twenty teeth-jarring crashes later, we're done. We survived. And I feel hot - like really sexy - just like the website promised. That's what I feel, but I'm pretty certain there's nothing sexy about walking around looking like a newborn baby giraffe.
My Review:
This was hands down the best Pilates class I've taken. I'm not sure this should even be called a Pilates class because it was so much more than that. It included strength training, aerobic training, and stretching all at once. It was non-stop and just as much fun as it was painful. The following day, I was sore in all the right places, but I could still move normally. I appreciate this quality in a fitness class. I just don't see any point in doing an exercise that then cripples you for a week. If you'd like to attempt this (miss)adventure, Gilt City has a great deal available for the next three days. The next class we'll be taking at Energii is "Core Ass Attack". I can't wait.
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